me myself I

Tests – for the self – are really fascinating!

I say this because for the last few days I’ve been doing a whole lot of psychology tests as part of my self development course for the LDL MA.

The results have been enlightening to say the least. (My goal is to post these up tomorrow)

The results come back with a very different overview of  my personality traits to those that I think I am.

For example, all my life I’ve thought of myself as widely chaotic and disorganised.. creative thinking, you know the sort of untameable ….  the round peg who never fitted in the square hole.

Hmm – well according to the different psychology tests on the BBC website (big thumbs up to Amy for leading the way on those) – er how off track was I?  And the more I think about it actually it starts to make sense.

The results say I am a planner and like things to be ordered – and one of them goes so far as to say that I am a structured person…

Because I do like order, I don’t like things to be untidy and disorganised .. I do make lists and I like things to be planned.  If they are not then I can feel unsettled… and yet I am also the one who is easily distracted so can leave things half done…

My dutch side is perhaps emerging from the shadows and my father’s DNA is taking control and boy is he organised.  He is organised with a great big capital O!

My mother the british side is the wholly disorganised, chaotic and widely impulsive and I always thought I was more like her.  But in all reality – its staring me in the face, I don’t enjoy the chaos.

That’s not to say that everything around me is tidy, er its not.  But I do ‘feel’ strong and clear headed when things are clear, filing done…

I do plan things.

So that is part of my realisation – is to actually give myself the time and the chance to be organised rather than judge myself to be chaotic and impulsive.

To do that will require discipline and effort.  But its an investment I will make to bring order into my mind and my life because I feel it will make me happier.

With regards to happiness, I’m not unhappy but I am unfulfilled and that is rather like wearing a millstone around the neck.  What makes me happy is my marriage and my extraordinary and fabulous husband who after nearly five years of marriage I love more each day.  He makes me incredibly happy.

But me for me in me – is not happy with me! And that is what I want to change.

I’ve got some big decisions to make in my life … career – what I want to do in my work life, what makes me feel alive in my work and how to get there.

My great feat in the last 12 months was to stop smoking after far too many years ….  and to start training and running.  So if I can give up smoking and wheeze my way round the park then hell yes I can start to organise the life and lifestyle to the one where I feel happier and mentally comfortable.  And with an action plan in place and a vision and goal to work towards, my worklife becomes a whole lot less painful and one where I can start to feel hope towards again.